Bald…

Bald – definition:  Having little or no hair on the scalp: a bald head; a bald person.

It’s a weird feeling!

After being shaved and touching my head for the first time – It felt like…like… A BALD HEAD! What a surprise! Right?!?!?  Actually – it felt like a hairless dog. A hairless dog’s skin…

Right after getting shaved I took a shower, and in the shower it hit me. I truly realized deep in my gut… the loss…And I cried! A good “shower cry”! I was a sad! It was a cry having to accept the situation. A cry for identity loss…

No magic pill was going to fix this. No glue in the world could help me…

There is no way out of this. There is only one way – and that is TROUGH IT!

After balling my eyes out for a few minutes, I sobered up and thought of “TODAY” (a poem written by Kristone) –

“TODAY – This is the beginning of a new day (even though this was in the afternoon…). I’ve been given this day to use as I will. I can waste it (= hang- on to being Yoda)…or use it for good (realizing I have to embrace every step of the way). But what I can do today is more important because – I’m exchanging a day of my life for it (My life – My Journey). When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever… (Capture this day! Capture and celebrate the hair loss. It’s actually one more step closer to getting healed and healthy)” The verse doesn’t end there, but this was as much as I could remember.

After my “talk to myself” in the shower…A good talk. A bit sobering if you will…it meant I have to step up to the plate in life, and play it wholeheartedly. This is it!

 “Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who is the fairest of them all?”

I had to look in the mirror (hairless dog skin and all ;o) …look myself  in the eye…check my flawless scalp (!) my Bayer-white head…and say “I LOVE YOU! I really do! You are the fairest of them all!”

Life is good and Life goes on…

You know I got a wig – right? I realized it’s not “my thing”…This is what happened; I put it on one day and went outside in the back yard. Just to get the feel for it… It was windy and the air blew through the wig kind-of nicely…Refreshing! When I came in again I looked like a (freaking) Troll! The hair was all over the place…of course I couldn’t feel it. I wasn’t my hair. If it was my hair I could “fix it”…You know how you automatically fix your hair with your hands? But it was a wig…I felt nothing!

One more thing – from the ‘get go’ – I felt that a wig was (most likely) not “my thing”….I have heard of a lot of people choosing to wear a wig. And that’s great! Their choice! For me it was more like “Why hide what’s going on?” To me it’s an inner acceptance. A time in my life I want to embrace. And TO ME wearing a wig feels like hiding. I have chosen to wear scarfs and hats (and Yes! I do have my favorite hat already)

Not saying it’s been easy to figure this out…There is a first time for everything! After this – I decided it was time to venture out…To do some grocery shopping or something…To get out of the neighborhood. Seriously – I was a little nervous…Will people stare? Will they treat me differently? Will they avoid me or not? Start running the other way? LOL! Will I scare them?

My target was PUBLIX (grocery store) on a Saturday…Midday! Brave! I know ;o)

In the car on the way there I changed my mind…I was going to be super brave and go to… guess…guess…guess…TA DAAAA – C O S T C O – on a Saturday,  mind you! (Super crowded)

That was brave, but also sooo stupid! COSTCO! On a Saturday… before Memorial Day!?!?! What was I thinking??? While at COSTCO I had to call Brian and tell him (he was fishing in the Key’s) He answered and said his usual phrase “What’s up?” I whispered “I’m at Costco! My first time as a bald woman…and can you believe it I went to Costco?” I could hear him smiling and he said “Are you crazy…On a Saturday?”

I did it! And I survived (both my new bald-self-life and the crowds!) I survived because I had one thing in mind… MY REWARD:  

Soft Ice Cream Vanilla Sunday with warm strawberries on top! Mmmm good!

(…and $200.00 later…)

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16 thoughts on “Bald…

  1. Loved it crazy woman Costco on holiday weekend. Must have affected your brain the whole hair loss thing. ! Glad u survived it 🙂

  2. I love this one, Filippa!!  

    I didn’t tell you, but after I shaved your head, I cried too.  In my room, talking to Eric on the phone, and the tears just came!  But just remember our deal. I’m going to hold you to it, and I pray that if I am ever on a journey such as yours, your words, thoughts, and love will help me through it. You are such an inspiration! MY HERO!!

    I love you so incredibly much, Queen Jane

  3. En stor kram till dig din modiga tjej! xoxo

    Saknar dig!!!

      Yvonne Stern US mobile: + 1-619-203-2987 Skype: mbsailor

  4. Filippa! Jag har just läst igenom hela din historia. Vilken stark kvinna du är, med din inställning till livet och cancern, kommer du att besegra den!
    Tänker på dig! Håll ut, snart är det över ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. You are my hero! You write so perfectly and funny and emotional all in one. Truly enjoy your posts. I love you Filippa! Be strong!!!

  6. Jag har sett många kvinnor med rakade huvuden och de ser så vackra ut,och du har ALLTID varit sot. Det är andra tider nu och man kan ha vilken look man vill. Sjalar kan man knyta,eller en lacker turban kanske, ha en cool mössa eller också en keps eller gå med kalt huvud och stora örhängen, häftigt smink och kanske ett par balla solbrillor ( även om det är mulet). Snacka om att vara modig Lippan! Du ar verkligen en stark kvinna, kramisar,saknar dig

    • Hej Pretzel (fast jag tror jag sa Salta Pinnen…men nu får det bli Pretzel!)

      Jag har fått flera jättefina sjalar och hattar från vänner…så jag är väl utrustad! Solbrillor har jag inte så många…mina favorit är MAUI JIM…dom duger bra!
      Miss you too!
      Kramar!
      Filippa

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